I am a dreamer.
More often than not, I create ridiculous scenarios in my head that typically always fall through. I can’t lie and say that I’m never disappointed, but is (insert extremely good-looking male actor) riding in on a horse and rescuing me from a long shift at work, really realistic? Not exactly, but it passes the time while I’m stuck there. I’ll reap the consequences later.
My dreams often range from fairly normal to absolutely absurd, but more so the latter, between you and me. Sometimes I can’t even take my own self serious, they’re that weird. But, you know what? That’s a part of who I am. I was born a naturally creative and imaginative person. Throughout my childhood, I can remember reading, writing, drawing and creating different games, based off of my imagination. I could play by myself for hours, simply going by the scenarios I concocted. It all made me feel happy and free.
Fast forward to my teen years. My imagination began to shift its focus from alternate universes and make-believe, to guys and my future. I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment that it completely flipped, but I do know that it got to a point where I imagined pretty much every cute guy I came across, as my future husband. Go ahead, laugh it up or heavily scorn me; I’m used to both. It’s not how it sounds, though. Well, it is, but it isn’t. You see, it’s not like I was romantically interested in them or anything. I’m just such an imaginative person that my mind would register a cute guy, then it would do all sorts of craziness and bam. I met the guy, we went out on 6 dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend, then his fiance and then we eventually got married. All within five minutes. Talk about moving fast.
It’s kind of ironic that I’m admitting all of this aloud because I would usually refuse to admit anything remotely embarrassing to others, but in order to understand what I mean, I feel like I have to get down to the nitty gritty. I’m also trying to be more open and honest because I have a bad habit of hiding everything and bottling my emotions. Anyways, that’s another story for another day.
What I am most guilty of, however, is creating the most unrealistic, realistic life scenarios, ever. Ha, what a mouthful.
I don’t know how to quite explain it, other than to say that I often come up with all of these grand ideas or plans, say that I’m going to go through with it or start it, but then later decide that it’s too much work or I can’t do it. You see, this isn’t always a bad thing. I say dream big and shoot for the stars. It’s when I start tagging everything in my mental filing cabinet as, “impractical,” that it begins to become a problem.
For years, I had serious, mapped out plans for my life. Then, little-by-little, I shaved off slivers of those plans until it eventually became, “yeah, I’m not going to college and have no clue as to what I want to do with my life.” I felt stuck, I felt worthless and I felt like I would never be able to accomplish anything. I stopped my daydreaming, I stopped working toward my goals and nearly everything in my life came to a halt. I wasn’t me.
Skip to a random Saturday night, a few months ago. One of my good friends came over just to hang out and we ended up going through some of my old journals. It felt so surreal to see journal entries from my twelve year old self and to actually be sharing them with another person. Being an extremely private person when it comes to my personal thoughts, I never thought I’d see the day. Talk about personal growth! We then moved on to a journal I had started in March of 2016, but never finished. After staying up until 5a.m., reading all of my pointless or heartfelt entries, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time began to surface.
Finishing that journal suddenly became a goal that I could realistically accomplish. I knew that if I actually put my mind to it and worked on it consistently, I could finally finish the journal and mark it off on my “to accomplish before dying” bucket list. I really struggled with keeping a consistent journal, y’all, don’t judge. On March 27th of this year, I finished the journal. Two years and one day after I started it, I was FINALLY able to safely tuck it away in one of my memory boxes (another bad habit of mine, but I promise it’s not hoarding) and tell people that I have successfully completed a journal in my lifetime.
It was that one, tiny, accomplished goal that reignited the fire to dream and to cultivate an entirely new perspective for myself.
As of now, I am diligently working toward going to college abroad. This was once a dream that I had imagined, starting at the age of 12, that later became something of the past when I felt I couldn’t accomplish it. I realized not too long ago, however, it’s so much closer than I had originally placed it. It doesn’t have to be a dream because it can be a reality, if I just work hard enough. After being in contact with a university in England and finding out that I qualify for my programs of interest, I have such an indescribable drive to do more.
I’ve had plenty of people tell me that I won’t make it or that I can’t do it, but their words are simply going in one ear and out of the other. Even if my perspective of this specific path changes down the road, I’ll still have the same desire to achieve what was once unachievable.
I am a dreamer and I can and I will reach for the stars and obtain the one that shines the brightest.
Who are you?
Guys! It’s been so long! I hadn’t meant to take so long to post, but I was seriously lacking inspiration. It wasn’t until I was supposed to be doing something else that an idea hit me. Whoops?
Anyways, the said university’s recruitment officer for the Americas recommended blogging, as a way to better my chances of being accepted. Coincidentally, I just so happen to have a personal blog. Win. So, I’m going to try my absolute best to be more active. The current school semester is coming to an end, so I will finally have a little bit of extra freedom to write. Double win.
I hope you’ve all been well and, no, I never forgot about you!
Always desire to inspire.